After a LONG hiatus, it's Falcon: The Quest #3!!! was made by Falcon advises you to ignore the one below on 4/27/2003 at 7:32:19 PM.
Kingston, Jamaica.
“So, Flying Banana...” began Falcon, “howzabout giving me a ride back to Parodioplis?”
“Sure thing, Joe,” replied the winged fruit, “For what you’ve done fore me, it’s the least I can do.”
At this point, several alarms went off, several bells began to ring, and ‘Banana Phone’ by Raffi was played by several loudspeakers. Falcon shot an odd glance at the Banana.
“What the hell is that?” he inquired.
“I wanted a distinctive and alarming...er, alarm.”
“You’ve got the distinctive part down.”
“Sorry, but I gotta answer this alarm call. You’ll have to find your own way back to Parodiopolis.”
“I’ll find another way. Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
East Parodiopolis.
His target was in sight. He knew that the Falcon was a formidable opponent, he could attest to that, but the Pigeon was much, much weaker, hence her name. The man stepped out of the shadows, allowing us to see his face. He was white. This man made albinos look like Tiger Woods. This man was so white that...I’m rambling, aren’t I? Back to Kingston.
A light went off in Falcon’s head. Dan Drury thought that he had exposed the Banana Bunch for SPUD. He hadn’t, but it had helped SPUD out. He took out his cell phone, and called for a SPUDcopter to pick him up. While he waited, he raided the Flying Banana’s fridge. Boy, did that guy ever love his root beer.
Parodiopolis. SPUD headquarters. Dan Drury was calming looking around for—ah, who am I kidding?
“Where the $%#@! is that %#&Øing Cassels?”
“I saw him in Sector Q a few minutes ago.” offered a helpful intern.
“Gotcha.”
Drury made the five-minute walk to Sector Q. He wondered what his director of operations could be doing in Sector Q, where the SPUD Mechanized Farming division was. He eventually got rid of the guy trying to convince him that this was the right time to invest in pork bellies, and found Tom Cassels.
“You wanted ta see me, Cassels?”
“Yes, sir. I’ve told you that I need an assisstant, and you said you’d look into it. Have you found anyone?”
“To be honest, Cassels, I can’t say that I have.” Drury snapped his fingers. “Unless...”
East Parodiopolis. A small townhouse. The Pigeon was sitting alone, twiddling her thumbs, watching Dr. Phil, wondering when her boyfriend would come home. The doorbell rang. Well, that couldn’t be him, could it? But, then again, he forgot his keys here. She walked up to the door, and opened it.
“Pigeon?”
“Yes...?”
The villain went straight for her. The next thing that Pigeon heard was a loud crash.
“Geez! What the hell are these floors made of?”
“Marble.” yelled Pigeon as she sprinted up the stairs. She knew the identity of the attacker. White-Out Man, Falcon’s old foe. He obviously had changed somewhat. She then realized that the floors upstairs were carpeted, and sprinted back downstairs, where she wrapped White-Out Man up in the marble flooring.
SPUD Headquarters. Falcon was back in his office. He was looking all around for the envelope that contained his next task in this quest. He couldn’t find it. Maybe Drury knew where it was. Perhaps that’s why he was standing five feet away from Falcon’s office and motioning for him to come over.
“Dan, have you seen an envelope addressed to me?”
“For your quest?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, I saw it.”
“Do you have it?”
“Nope, but I’ve memorized the contents. ‘You must find a word or phrase that rhymes with orange’.”
“That’s impossible! There is no such word or phrase!”
“Oh, yeah?” snapped Drury “What about ‘door hinge’?
“Can I use that?”
“You could, if it were true.”
“No, it rhymes.”
“No, I mean if I was telling the truth about finding an envelope.”
“Oh...”
“There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about, but I’ll talk to you later.”
“Why?”
“I think you’ll find the envelope on you’re desk now.”
“Okay...this is somewhat unusual...”
Falcon turned around and noticed an old man wheeling a cart full of envelopes out of his room. He turned to the senior.
“You mean I have to do all those?”
“Nope. Half of SPUD is working on some kind of envelope quest. It’s the latest craze.”
“So what do you have to do with these?”
“I’m the mail guy.”
“SPUD has a mail guy?”
“Yup. Me.”
Falcon walked into his office. The mystique of this whole quest had taken a bit of a hit with that. Well, he’d still get into the Lair Legion when he finished all this. And that’s what he wanted, right? He located the envelope, and opened it.
You must find the jade monkey.
Great. How was he supposed to do that? Wait a minute. When he had had his team, there was a Voodoo Monkey on it. Maybe he knew something. Then again, he’d have no reason to know Falcon, would he? With Falcon’s new power, it just didn’t make sense. But yet, the Flying Banana knew him. Maybe Voodoo Monkey would too. Falcon decided to phone him.
“Hello?” came a groggy reply from the other end.
“Hello, is this Voodoo Monkey?”
“Yes. Who is this?”
“I’m not sure if you remember me, but it’s Falcon, an operative of SPUD from Parodiopolis.”
“I remember you, but everyone else says I couldn’t, Falcon’s only worked alone, never had a team...”
“Yes, well...” Falcon decided he had to get the truth out “I have a new power. I’m slowly learning to retcon events, although the people who were involved in the event retain memory of it. That’s why you remember SHAH, but people who weren’t involved don’t. By the way, when did you learn to speak English? The monkey I remember couldn’t.”
“I’ve picked it up. Why did you call me?”
“Have you ever heard of something called the jade monkey?”
“Yes. Two of them, in fact.”
“So, if I wanted one – and this is just hypothetical – I’d get a choice as to which one?”
“Yes.”
“So, what are my – hypothetical – choices?”
“You can go into the Springfieldverse and get it from Mr. Burns...”
“Or...?”
“You can talk to my friends in Zimbabwe, the Monkey Krew.”
“So, let me get this straight. In the past couple weeks, I’ve been to Candia*, Jamaica**, the Satireverse***, and God knows where else I’ve been and retconned, and now I have to go to either the Springfieldverse or Zimbabwe?”
(* - Untold Tales of the Lair Legion #106-108
** - Quest #2-3
*** - At some point during the Premiere series)
“Yup.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll go see this Monkey Krew of yours.”
NEXT ISSUE: Falcon’s off to Zimbabwe! Dan Drury does what we all know he’ll do! Pigeon taunts White-Out Man! And there’s gonna be monkeys! MONKEYS!